Friday, August 13, 2010


I drove into the wee hours of the night. Finally I found some dive just off the interstate. I paid for a single and got ready to stumble into bed for the night. Dumb ass woke up just before I could slip away into my room.

I see this shaggy head lifted up above the side of the truck, obviously still wasted. Unfocused eyes tried to focus on me. I heard him swallow hard, trying not to puke. Fail. I made a mental not to run my truck through the car wash tomorrow. I tried to ignore him and head into my room for a few hours of shut-eye.

"Got any whiskey, Friend!?" Said with the typical slurred words of a practiced drunk.

I shrugged, gave him my best I don't drink line and kept walking.

"Wait! I know you?" He looked at me cock-eyed through whiskey goggles.

I shrugged and kept trucking.

"I know, I KNOW! YoU aRe thAT gUY f f from aMERicanNNNn IDOllll!"

Me, slightly flattered: "Lee DeWyze?" I said it modestly, because many had said that I resembled him.

"Noooo-oooooo." Through booze infested haze: "William Hung."

My baffled look flew over his head. But he did notice it when I shook my head no. I turned and started walking.

I got to my door and turned one last time. His head was out of sight in the truck bed. Good night Lipton.


I heard what sounded like torrential rains. I must have been dreaming. Yeah, dreaming. It never rains in south Alabama, or western Georgia, or wherever the hell we were. Oh, it was somebody pissing. I rolled over and tried to ignore the weather. My next recollection was of bad breath. Really bad breath. I opened one eye. The unmistakable face of LTB was about six inches away. Bad dream. Really bad dream. I opened my eyes again. Bad reality. Realllllllllly bad reality. LTB still there.

I slept on the floor after he grabbed me in the night. I don't know who "Leila" is but Lipton sure has a thing for her. It was a fitful night.

He had the shits all morning. I vacated the premises while the getting was good. After some Mickey D's coffee and a McMuffin, I dared to return to the room that I had paid rent on for the night. The bed was squared away, no undies in sight. The room appeared to have been made up by the maids. I was about to split, thinking that LTB had already checked out, when this big furry head appeared out of the head, "Who are YOU!"

I make it a practice not to shake hands with dudes who are just coming out of the head. "I'm John Doe."

Unfocused blood shot eyes stared at me without comprehending. Then he bent at the waste and puked. Okay. Maybe it was the dry heaves, but I was not taking any chances. I vacated the premises.

More updates later.

1 comment:

  1. I suffered with bad breath for about 5 years. I spent a small fortune on bad breath cures. Nothing I tried seem to work even as it said it would. I read on one of halitosis websites a review of bad breath cures and the top of the list was Oraltech Labs. I ordered their book. It worked. It doesn’t sell you any products at all, in fact it tells you to stop buying pastes, gels, washes and pills. So if you’re going through what I have, think about this and save yourself the pain and humiliation. Just Google Oraltech Labs. GL, Jenny Wilson. NB