Tuesday, August 17, 2010

So imagine my surprise...

I got back home from searching for Lipton T. Bagg, or whatever the hell his name is. How about "Captain America?" He gets to go on drunken binges and then save America. I want me some of that.

I had about patched things up with my wife, and with my irate clients, all of whom felt severely neglected while I was off on a lark and a frolic trying to save my good friend whom I had never met.

The phone was hopping with clients and lawyers and a judge's secretary and a Federal District Court Clerk, all who had their noses out of joint that I had not returned their calls while I had been indisposed. Into this hectic madness came a knock on the door. I should never have opened the door.

It was them. I knew the drill. I followed what's his name into the black S.U.V. with darkly tinted windows. Same crowd in the car. None looked too happy.

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT LIPTON T. BAGG ON HIS BLOG!!? Don't you know all our nations enemies monitor that site!!?? They know Lipton is the baddest, most able, most cunning and most willing anti-communist, anti-terrorist, anti-anti anything agent in America? They are always trying but failing to find more info on the guy. Until now, they did not even know for sure that that picture of him was really him. They assumed it was just some hawt male underwear model pasted up there to fool them. DAMN!" He slowly ran out of steam and sputtered a few more profanities.

Sometimes not saying nothin is the best policy. I shrugged and looked away.

"Now, you owe us. You owe America. You owe over 250,000,000,000 Americans."

I looked up in surprise. He saw my crinkled brow and puzzled look, and he did not appear pleased. Come on, I'm not a fucking mind reader. Give me a break my next look said.

"You blew his cover. He's gone deep under. We think he is on the bender of all benders, the Lipton T. Bagg Speciallll, super duper deluxe, never before seen and hopefully never again duplicated Lipton T. Bagg is hiding out somewhere getting drunk on his ass and failing to even make contact with us, let alone with his wonderful, world famous--infamous?--blog known as "Viewed from the Right."

I saw his point. It was all my fault. Lipton would have probably saved the world, but I had screwed up and found him when he wasn't supposed to be found, and then I had blabbed about it here. What a fool I was. America probably hates me, or would if they knew what a mess I had made of American foreign policy.

I almost cried. What could I do to make up for my mistake? They had me, like putty in their hands.

"Find him for us. You did it once before. Maybe you can do it again. You think like a drunk. You seem to be inside his head."

"I'll do what I can." I pursed my lips, gritted my teeth, thrust out my jaw, and was determined to make up for my past mistakes. I could almost hear the National Anthem as my heart beat faster.

To Be Continued...

John Doe

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